Adding a new workout routine to the mix.

I'm going to be adding a new quick workout routine to my current one. With the current workout routine I'm on and the 30 day challenges I've been doing, I'm hoping this won't be too much. This new one isn't too strenuous though so I'll be fine. Since I'm already doing squats, I think I'll change the 20 squats to 20 lunges. It's a wake-up, pre-shower fitness kick. I'll give it a go and see how things turn out! The routine is linked below :)

2 Minute, Pre-Shower Workout

What goes up...

Things in my life have taken a harsh plunge south. It's almost as though I should have known better since this past week has been so positive. Like the saying goes, "What goes up, must come down."

I have to learn how to cope with the idea of someone very close to me giving up on me. I've made great strides to impress and please them, but throughout the years it has never been enough. When I alter something in my life to satisfy their vision of what they want of me, there is always something else I do that they hate. It's frustrating and tiresome. Putting my happiness on the back burner for someone who has their eye on something they believe is better. So blinded by my flaws and shortcomings that they fail to see the successes that greatly outnumber them. I want so badly to shake them and say, "Every rose has a thorn." The rosebush does a great job of concealing them, but once you pick one in all it's beauty the thorns become all the more visible. The grass next door is greener not because in naturally grows that way, but because the owner of the lawn gets out there and waters it, manicures it, feeds it. He works with the grass in it's natural state, flaws and all, and makes it better. To make it shine.

It's been hard for me to even come on here and write about it. But if I've learned anything from this person it's to be strong and unwavering. The ground I'm walking on isn't solid, but I'll keep marching forward as if it is. Because I know that my time will come. I'm young. The world is still very open for me, and I won't take that for granted.

June.3.2013

I'm not sure what it is, but I feel great today!

It could very well be from all the energy I have (I'll credit it to pushing my exercising into turbo-drive). And what's great about it is, is that it's not that kind of synthetic energy you get from chugging Red Bulls. It's like an even balance of good feeling and drive. I haven't felt this type of energy in a while, so it is a welcomed surprise.

My money situation is also looking up. If I can manage to keep leaving my debit card at home, I'll be well off for my birthday, which is in a month in a half. I'm going to try to take on extra hours at work so that I can treat myself to a little shopping spree then.

I pray that good times stay ahead for me. I've been working harder on my goals and striving to do the things and be the person I know I can be (cliche, I know). No more letting opportunities pass by without an attempt. No more wasting time. I'm proud of myself thus far, and I plan to continue.

Getting out.

I'm hoping today will be as good, if not better, than yesterday. I have some plans this evening. I love getting out of the apartment. It's been harder though since it is summer is most people are either working overtime or are on vacation. Where are the happy medium dwellers like me? Hmm. Maybe I'll try to get out sometime this weekend. Even if it just means sitting in a cafe or coffee shop somewhere Downtown. To be quite honest, I've been terrified of getting out and just hanging around by myself. I've never been the type of person that's afraid to be alone. I don't mind going to the movies, dinner, etc. without a gaggle of friends. Sometimes it's good to be out and alone. But lately I have been anxious about it. Not sure why. Anyway, I do hope to go on some type of adventure in the coming days. Staying in my apartment has left the land of merely being bland to the territory of sheer frustration. The longer I'm cooped up in here, the more problems I see with it. I want to miss being here, in my room. The type that you feel when you spend an entire week ripping and running around town and actually elect to have a lazy weekend in, just to get comfortable in your four walls again. I want that.

We'll see how it goes.

I just realized... Lately, I have been saying "getting out" of my apartment versus "going out..."

I'm focused.

As the day winds down to a close, I look back on it and think it was actually a good day. Things going on in my life would make me believe it shouldn't be that way. But I'm happy. My money situation hasn't gotten much better, but I'm confident things will turn up. Things could be worse. I have enough to pay my rent, so that is a blessing in itself. I had to stop my 30 day challenges due to lack of time, but I'm starting it up again from day one tomorrow. I won't let missing out demotivate me as it has before in the past. I'm going to do this. And by "this" I mean everything. I'm going to accomplish a goal. I won't falter. I'm focused.

Hatefulness

I think sometimes people are just hateful to get a raise out of others. Like, they don't care about the story or hearing what you have to say. All they want to do is be angry with you or whoever. Logic is thrown out the door and passion and ignorance takes it's place. Why? Why don't people just shut up and listen? Why don't people make educated arguments instead of slashing at someone's dignity? It's almost like they would rather lose credibility as an intelligent or knowledgeable person just to make someone feel low.

I don't like returning to my blog after a silent week and posting negativity, but it was just something I felt the need to write it down.

New exercises!

So, in the spirit of trying new things, I've decided to embark on a couple of 30 Day Fitness challenges. These are tasks that anyone can find on the Internet, especially Tumblr, that really help you focus on a specific goal for your fitness. And since it's only 30 days, its realistic and easy to get to! (I don't know about you, but I like seeing the end to any workout plan.) The challenges I'm going to be doing are the 30 Day Squat challenge, the 30 Day Crunch challenge, and the 30 Day Plank challenge. As you can tell, I'm really trying to tone up my tummy and my tush. Haha. Today was my first day, and it went well. I'm pretty excited about this! Below I linked the challenges I found. There may be some different ones around the Web if you want something more or less strenuous.

30 Day Squat Challenge

30 Day Crunch Challenge

30 Day Plank Challenge

New day.

Yesterday The whole weekend was pretty bad. But today is Monday. A new day, a new week, a new chance to embark on something positive. That's what I hope to accomplish today. It's been off to a fair start; I have no major complaints yet. So, we'll see how it goes. I'm hoping I get to interact with more people today. And, I think I'll make plans tomorrow to force myself out of my apartment for a little bit when I get off work.

Also, today I'm going to start using the gym at my complex instead of the other one I've been using. I have been skeptical in the past, but commuting to the gym makes going more of a chore than it already is. Last week, I didn't exercise at all, and I'm feeling it. So I'm hoping this change up will make working out less of a drag and will help me get out of this rut I've been in. Someone told me the first step to breaking a boring cycle is to do what you normally do, but differently. So that's what I'll do. I'm willing to switch up just about anything if it means me not feeling like I have been.

Time for me to press forward with my own life.

Stuck.

...I feel my mental state dwindling. I feel myself becoming more and more unhealthy. I almost feel defeated. This weekend... I did absolutely nothing. Not the kind of nothing where you've had a long, tiring week and just want to relax and unwind. No. It was dreadful. I didn't even step outside for some fresh air. I'm too afraid to step out there and see the cars zooming by. Going somewhere, anywhere. Somewhere I'm not. Anywhere I'd rather be.

I feel stuck.

I've gotten into a routine I'm afraid I can't shake. I watch as my friends or used-to-be's go places and do things and move forward. And I'm here. Stuck. I'm not sure how or what I need to do. But for now, I just feel the lust for life slipping from my body, onto the dull floor of this dull apartment where I lead my dull life.

I want change.

Fast forward

Do you ever feel like you want to just press fast forward on your life? I know I do; and it makes me scared how often. There's few times I can recall where I have actually felt fulfilled at anyone moment. Sometimes, I want to go back and relive certain moments. The ones I took for granted at the time. But, mostly I just want to go forward. I see myself, successful after all my hard work and dedication. But, the process is tricky. It almost feels like I'm never going to get to that point in my life where I feel completely whole.

Body shaming

I've been reading more and more articles on the Plus-Size industry growing and as I wearer of plus-sized clothing I am very pleased. Before, our options would be baggy, unflattering clothing from Walmart or other discount stores or matronly looking items from high end stores. Fashionable and popular stores like Forever 21 and H&M have been shelling out more and more trendy pieces at a fair price point. Long gone are the days of sacrificing look for budget or vice versa for plus sized ladies. While I am obviously all for this, there has been some interesting debate over this issue.

It seems as though people feel that women accepting their bodies, owning what they look like, and dressing wonderfully are poisonous to health standards. Some argue that this is why obesity is more accepted. I could not disagree more. There is nothing wrong with women of any size looking at themselves and being happy. There is no reason why women of larger stature should go into hiding or wear unflattering clothing just to put others' minds at ease. We can promote a healthy lifestyle while being accepting of bigger body types.

This is the same society that shames women for being thin.

Will we ever see a day where people go about their life without feeling the need to criticize how someone else is going about theirs?

Money, money, money

I have been behind on my finances lately. My bank account is not liking me, and that has a lot to do with my frivolous spending as of late. It's hard to resist a friend's offering of going out when I've had a stressful week. Or not buying that pricer bottle of wine when I just want to relax. I end up telling myself that I deserve a night out, I deserve an expensive glass wine. But when the smoke clears, I'm kicking myself. There's not much that I can think of to curb my spending other than cutting myself off completely.

I'm not going to be spending any money for a solid month; in less of course of emergencies. This is going to be a struggle for me because I have become accustom to carefree spending. But, it's become necessary to put a limit on myself. Having just enough money to pay bills and buy some groceries is not cutting it. It's been months since I last deposited something into my savings. Also, my birthday is soon, and I would like to not have to worry about how much I'm able to spend without chipping into rent money.

How did I get here? I just want to be able to look at my statement and not cringe or pump my fists into the air screaming, "WHY?!"

I used to be great with money, but the stress I was going through during the end of yesteryear (which carried over to the beginning of this year) was the driving force behind my reckless spending. I get an unhealthy amount of joy from walking out of the mall with shopping bags, or pressing the 'Checkout' button on shops online. I'm a fashion girl, and nothing cheers me up like some good retail therapy... other that food that is. Food is comforting in times of high stress. But not just any food. Instead of cooking at home, a large chunk of my meals this first half of the year have been take-out. I didn't have time to cook with all of my self-loathing and stressing out. I was too busy picking out movies and TV shows to watch on Netflix. In any case, I need to get back on track.

Maybe by stating my plans here I will make more of a conscience effort to stop my uncontrollable spending. It's worth a shot.

I am no one else but me.

I'm not one to let a controversial topic that peaks my interest go without my two cents. Although this topic is not very controversial (or at all even) I wanted to speak on it. I'm a twenty-something year old woman, trying to figure out life and establish myself in the world. I go out, I date, I do things my mother wouldn't necessarily be too proud of. Now, I know am not the only woman out there living this life, which is exactly my point. Why is it that media outlets are trying pick and point out "voices of our generation?" I mean, I love following celebrity news and I'm not afraid to admit that. But I do understand that while we do have things in common, they do not speak for me and the things I do. Lena Dunham decides to show her tits and that means she's liberating all women in their twenties across the nation? I don't think so. Not only do I not watch her show, but I do not know her personally. I don't know what kind of person she truly is. Which means I can't agree that she represents me. I am no one else but me. And neither are you. People, women especially, have been more focused imitating these celebrities than being their own selves. Jennifer Lawrence may be the latest obsession in the "real girl" movement, but when we start trying to be her, that makes us fake to who we truly are.

I'm not letting these gossip columns tell me "Why so-and-so is who you want to be." Be you.

Today

... I really hope that I see him. I'm not sure if I'll be able to ask him out or anything, but God I just want to see him. My affection for him has grown in that I don't want to only date him or have sex with him or be in a relationship with him. I want all of those things honestly, but more than any thing I just want to get to know him. I want to know what his favorite color is, his relationship with his parents... I want to know everything about him, but I want to learn them at a slow pace so I can be around him longer and longer still. He's different from any other crush I've had because with him I just want to talk to him more than anything. What's going on in that head of his at certain times of the day. He interests me, and I'm curious about him. I hope I get to see him today. I hope I get another chance.

So there's this boy...

I mean, it's not like he's an Greek god or anything. He's just an average, seemingly down-to-earth guy. With a nice face. And beautiful blue eyes. And lovely curly brown hair. And his height... *Swoon.*

He came into my office today. He comes by often sometimes. Other times he doesn't. You would think with my sporadic schedule of seeing him, I would hop on every chance I got to ask him out. But I fail every time. I freeze up. I can hear my voice shake when I tell him anything.

I've been crushing on him for some months now. There's some days where I feel like he has a crush on me as well, but others he's harder to read. I guess I'm the same way too sometimes.

This is difficult for me because I have NEVER told a guy to his face that I liked him or wanted to go sometime. And that's not because the men are falling over themselves to take me out or anything. I've spent the vast majority of my "dating years" single. So, a change in routine has become all but a necessity. We'll see how this one goes...

I'm no doctor...

...But I can tell I'm going crazy. Well, maybe not in a completely literal sense but you catch my drift. You see, lately I've been on the verge on what some may call a nervous breakdown. I feel myself slipping into panic attacks, but I save myself. I don't like to think too highly of myself unless it comes to my own well-being. No one can take better care of me, mentally, physically, emotionally, than I can. With the craziness that happened to me at the beginning of this year, I had to make the decision to be accepting of myself. Cliche' as hell, right? I thought so too. But it surprised me just how hard it really is. I mean, all of the mistakes I make, my laziness, my lack of self-control it seemed impossible to actual be happy with who I am. I still don't think I'm fully there yet, but I can look at myself naked in the mirror and not want to turn away. Heck, I even think I look great.

So why am I going crazy?

I still have to horrible habit of blaming myself for things out of my control. Or even things in my control that I should be blaming myself for. But for things I can't, I just can't seem to find away to make myself realize that I'm not Superwoman. It's like a constant struggle of what's good and what's not in my mind when I'm dealing with different people because everyone is so different. Everyone is so different. I come from a family where I am seen as the softy, the weak one. But, when I get around friends, co-workers, etc. they see a more stern, harsh, and dare I say, bitch sitting before them. How do I manage? I'm the same person no matter where I go, but the people... The people change. And I'm trying to work it out so I can get my point across, but not be hated as well. I tell people I don't care. I do. I want friends. I want to hang out every weekend. I just want it to be with people who like me. Really like me. Not people who say we're good and cool, but when I turn around they're singing a different tune. I would rather be alone. Until I find my niche I would rather be alone.