New day.

Yesterday The whole weekend was pretty bad. But today is Monday. A new day, a new week, a new chance to embark on something positive. That's what I hope to accomplish today. It's been off to a fair start; I have no major complaints yet. So, we'll see how it goes. I'm hoping I get to interact with more people today. And, I think I'll make plans tomorrow to force myself out of my apartment for a little bit when I get off work.

Also, today I'm going to start using the gym at my complex instead of the other one I've been using. I have been skeptical in the past, but commuting to the gym makes going more of a chore than it already is. Last week, I didn't exercise at all, and I'm feeling it. So I'm hoping this change up will make working out less of a drag and will help me get out of this rut I've been in. Someone told me the first step to breaking a boring cycle is to do what you normally do, but differently. So that's what I'll do. I'm willing to switch up just about anything if it means me not feeling like I have been.

Time for me to press forward with my own life.

Stuck.

...I feel my mental state dwindling. I feel myself becoming more and more unhealthy. I almost feel defeated. This weekend... I did absolutely nothing. Not the kind of nothing where you've had a long, tiring week and just want to relax and unwind. No. It was dreadful. I didn't even step outside for some fresh air. I'm too afraid to step out there and see the cars zooming by. Going somewhere, anywhere. Somewhere I'm not. Anywhere I'd rather be.

I feel stuck.

I've gotten into a routine I'm afraid I can't shake. I watch as my friends or used-to-be's go places and do things and move forward. And I'm here. Stuck. I'm not sure how or what I need to do. But for now, I just feel the lust for life slipping from my body, onto the dull floor of this dull apartment where I lead my dull life.

I want change.

Fast forward

Do you ever feel like you want to just press fast forward on your life? I know I do; and it makes me scared how often. There's few times I can recall where I have actually felt fulfilled at anyone moment. Sometimes, I want to go back and relive certain moments. The ones I took for granted at the time. But, mostly I just want to go forward. I see myself, successful after all my hard work and dedication. But, the process is tricky. It almost feels like I'm never going to get to that point in my life where I feel completely whole.

Body shaming

I've been reading more and more articles on the Plus-Size industry growing and as I wearer of plus-sized clothing I am very pleased. Before, our options would be baggy, unflattering clothing from Walmart or other discount stores or matronly looking items from high end stores. Fashionable and popular stores like Forever 21 and H&M have been shelling out more and more trendy pieces at a fair price point. Long gone are the days of sacrificing look for budget or vice versa for plus sized ladies. While I am obviously all for this, there has been some interesting debate over this issue.

It seems as though people feel that women accepting their bodies, owning what they look like, and dressing wonderfully are poisonous to health standards. Some argue that this is why obesity is more accepted. I could not disagree more. There is nothing wrong with women of any size looking at themselves and being happy. There is no reason why women of larger stature should go into hiding or wear unflattering clothing just to put others' minds at ease. We can promote a healthy lifestyle while being accepting of bigger body types.

This is the same society that shames women for being thin.

Will we ever see a day where people go about their life without feeling the need to criticize how someone else is going about theirs?

Money, money, money

I have been behind on my finances lately. My bank account is not liking me, and that has a lot to do with my frivolous spending as of late. It's hard to resist a friend's offering of going out when I've had a stressful week. Or not buying that pricer bottle of wine when I just want to relax. I end up telling myself that I deserve a night out, I deserve an expensive glass wine. But when the smoke clears, I'm kicking myself. There's not much that I can think of to curb my spending other than cutting myself off completely.

I'm not going to be spending any money for a solid month; in less of course of emergencies. This is going to be a struggle for me because I have become accustom to carefree spending. But, it's become necessary to put a limit on myself. Having just enough money to pay bills and buy some groceries is not cutting it. It's been months since I last deposited something into my savings. Also, my birthday is soon, and I would like to not have to worry about how much I'm able to spend without chipping into rent money.

How did I get here? I just want to be able to look at my statement and not cringe or pump my fists into the air screaming, "WHY?!"

I used to be great with money, but the stress I was going through during the end of yesteryear (which carried over to the beginning of this year) was the driving force behind my reckless spending. I get an unhealthy amount of joy from walking out of the mall with shopping bags, or pressing the 'Checkout' button on shops online. I'm a fashion girl, and nothing cheers me up like some good retail therapy... other that food that is. Food is comforting in times of high stress. But not just any food. Instead of cooking at home, a large chunk of my meals this first half of the year have been take-out. I didn't have time to cook with all of my self-loathing and stressing out. I was too busy picking out movies and TV shows to watch on Netflix. In any case, I need to get back on track.

Maybe by stating my plans here I will make more of a conscience effort to stop my uncontrollable spending. It's worth a shot.

I am no one else but me.

I'm not one to let a controversial topic that peaks my interest go without my two cents. Although this topic is not very controversial (or at all even) I wanted to speak on it. I'm a twenty-something year old woman, trying to figure out life and establish myself in the world. I go out, I date, I do things my mother wouldn't necessarily be too proud of. Now, I know am not the only woman out there living this life, which is exactly my point. Why is it that media outlets are trying pick and point out "voices of our generation?" I mean, I love following celebrity news and I'm not afraid to admit that. But I do understand that while we do have things in common, they do not speak for me and the things I do. Lena Dunham decides to show her tits and that means she's liberating all women in their twenties across the nation? I don't think so. Not only do I not watch her show, but I do not know her personally. I don't know what kind of person she truly is. Which means I can't agree that she represents me. I am no one else but me. And neither are you. People, women especially, have been more focused imitating these celebrities than being their own selves. Jennifer Lawrence may be the latest obsession in the "real girl" movement, but when we start trying to be her, that makes us fake to who we truly are.

I'm not letting these gossip columns tell me "Why so-and-so is who you want to be." Be you.

Today

... I really hope that I see him. I'm not sure if I'll be able to ask him out or anything, but God I just want to see him. My affection for him has grown in that I don't want to only date him or have sex with him or be in a relationship with him. I want all of those things honestly, but more than any thing I just want to get to know him. I want to know what his favorite color is, his relationship with his parents... I want to know everything about him, but I want to learn them at a slow pace so I can be around him longer and longer still. He's different from any other crush I've had because with him I just want to talk to him more than anything. What's going on in that head of his at certain times of the day. He interests me, and I'm curious about him. I hope I get to see him today. I hope I get another chance.