What goes up...

Things in my life have taken a harsh plunge south. It's almost as though I should have known better since this past week has been so positive. Like the saying goes, "What goes up, must come down."

I have to learn how to cope with the idea of someone very close to me giving up on me. I've made great strides to impress and please them, but throughout the years it has never been enough. When I alter something in my life to satisfy their vision of what they want of me, there is always something else I do that they hate. It's frustrating and tiresome. Putting my happiness on the back burner for someone who has their eye on something they believe is better. So blinded by my flaws and shortcomings that they fail to see the successes that greatly outnumber them. I want so badly to shake them and say, "Every rose has a thorn." The rosebush does a great job of concealing them, but once you pick one in all it's beauty the thorns become all the more visible. The grass next door is greener not because in naturally grows that way, but because the owner of the lawn gets out there and waters it, manicures it, feeds it. He works with the grass in it's natural state, flaws and all, and makes it better. To make it shine.

It's been hard for me to even come on here and write about it. But if I've learned anything from this person it's to be strong and unwavering. The ground I'm walking on isn't solid, but I'll keep marching forward as if it is. Because I know that my time will come. I'm young. The world is still very open for me, and I won't take that for granted.

Getting out.

I'm hoping today will be as good, if not better, than yesterday. I have some plans this evening. I love getting out of the apartment. It's been harder though since it is summer is most people are either working overtime or are on vacation. Where are the happy medium dwellers like me? Hmm. Maybe I'll try to get out sometime this weekend. Even if it just means sitting in a cafe or coffee shop somewhere Downtown. To be quite honest, I've been terrified of getting out and just hanging around by myself. I've never been the type of person that's afraid to be alone. I don't mind going to the movies, dinner, etc. without a gaggle of friends. Sometimes it's good to be out and alone. But lately I have been anxious about it. Not sure why. Anyway, I do hope to go on some type of adventure in the coming days. Staying in my apartment has left the land of merely being bland to the territory of sheer frustration. The longer I'm cooped up in here, the more problems I see with it. I want to miss being here, in my room. The type that you feel when you spend an entire week ripping and running around town and actually elect to have a lazy weekend in, just to get comfortable in your four walls again. I want that.

We'll see how it goes.

I just realized... Lately, I have been saying "getting out" of my apartment versus "going out..."

Hatefulness

I think sometimes people are just hateful to get a raise out of others. Like, they don't care about the story or hearing what you have to say. All they want to do is be angry with you or whoever. Logic is thrown out the door and passion and ignorance takes it's place. Why? Why don't people just shut up and listen? Why don't people make educated arguments instead of slashing at someone's dignity? It's almost like they would rather lose credibility as an intelligent or knowledgeable person just to make someone feel low.

I don't like returning to my blog after a silent week and posting negativity, but it was just something I felt the need to write it down.

Stuck.

...I feel my mental state dwindling. I feel myself becoming more and more unhealthy. I almost feel defeated. This weekend... I did absolutely nothing. Not the kind of nothing where you've had a long, tiring week and just want to relax and unwind. No. It was dreadful. I didn't even step outside for some fresh air. I'm too afraid to step out there and see the cars zooming by. Going somewhere, anywhere. Somewhere I'm not. Anywhere I'd rather be.

I feel stuck.

I've gotten into a routine I'm afraid I can't shake. I watch as my friends or used-to-be's go places and do things and move forward. And I'm here. Stuck. I'm not sure how or what I need to do. But for now, I just feel the lust for life slipping from my body, onto the dull floor of this dull apartment where I lead my dull life.

I want change.

Fast forward

Do you ever feel like you want to just press fast forward on your life? I know I do; and it makes me scared how often. There's few times I can recall where I have actually felt fulfilled at anyone moment. Sometimes, I want to go back and relive certain moments. The ones I took for granted at the time. But, mostly I just want to go forward. I see myself, successful after all my hard work and dedication. But, the process is tricky. It almost feels like I'm never going to get to that point in my life where I feel completely whole.

Body shaming

I've been reading more and more articles on the Plus-Size industry growing and as I wearer of plus-sized clothing I am very pleased. Before, our options would be baggy, unflattering clothing from Walmart or other discount stores or matronly looking items from high end stores. Fashionable and popular stores like Forever 21 and H&M have been shelling out more and more trendy pieces at a fair price point. Long gone are the days of sacrificing look for budget or vice versa for plus sized ladies. While I am obviously all for this, there has been some interesting debate over this issue.

It seems as though people feel that women accepting their bodies, owning what they look like, and dressing wonderfully are poisonous to health standards. Some argue that this is why obesity is more accepted. I could not disagree more. There is nothing wrong with women of any size looking at themselves and being happy. There is no reason why women of larger stature should go into hiding or wear unflattering clothing just to put others' minds at ease. We can promote a healthy lifestyle while being accepting of bigger body types.

This is the same society that shames women for being thin.

Will we ever see a day where people go about their life without feeling the need to criticize how someone else is going about theirs?